Laughter, the Best Medicine

A priest walks into a bar and asks the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?” The man says he does. “Then stand over here, my son.”
The priest asks a second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“Certainly,” is the man’s reply, so he joins the first guy.
The priest walks up to another man and asks, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“No, Father.”
“You mean when you die, you don’t want to go to heaven?”
“Oh, when I die,” says the man. “I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”


"I've got the biggest sheep farm in the state," a farmer boasted to his neighbour.
"Oh, yeah? How many sheep do you have?"
"I don't know. Every time I try to count them, I fall asleep."


After moving into his flat, Ed complained about his neighbour to his mum. "One woman cries all day, another moans, and then there's the guy who keeps banging his head against the wall."
"You better keep away from them," she said.
"I am. I stay inside all day playing my tuba."


Why don't skeleton date?
They don't have any body to go out with.

Why can't mummies keep friends?
They're too wrapped up in themselves.

Do zombies eat candy with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.